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The Very Secret Diary
07/01/2003 09:55 pmIzzie has stolen the Time Turner for a quick trip down Memory Lane. But she also needed to use a Transmogrification Charm. Izzie's Secret diary doesn't have Tom Riddle's patented invisible ink process. She resorts to other means to discourage prying eyes and snoopng spies. Is however a slight problem. On the rare occasion she wants to share her viridescent musings... it involve translating the whole damn thing into English. The Transmogrification charm that Professor Lockhart shown me - needless to say it didn't work and Izzie had the tedious task of doing it all the old fashioned way. Made especially difficult by her absolutely appalling handwriting.
(Oh and the bits in brackets are Izzies editorial additions to guide lost and happless travellers through the strange maze of Izzie's demented ramblings)
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Monday 7. January 2002
Whether or not it really is a new beginning, we will see. An incredible week it has been. So very different than 2001.
I’m either in an high phase of manic depression or I really have been awakened by the green light. I won’t know which until the Dementors raise their ugly heads again..
Even Saturday I was in a good mood. Usually I’m cranky and irritable due to having to watch the clock till it’s time to go to work at 3pm.
Today we had the weather we should have had for New Year’s Eve. But it didn’t even bother me. It was very like July 1987 in Corrymeela and also September 1987 when for a short period of time I felt I had finally ‘found God’. I had a strength that I’d never had before and when this God phase eventually came to an end and I returned to my usual state of being an Infidel, this strength also disappeared and like the faith that went with it, had only ever returned for the briefest of moments and never powerful enough to help me get through difficult times.
But now I have found a new way to talk about such things and have the feeling that even if Marilyn (my immediate boss) has some scheme up her sleeve – she’s been ever so helpful lately – I have decided to interpret it instead as a genuine attempt to be nice. She has her operation on Monday. Maybe she too has changed. But even if there is malicious motives behind her sudden nicess (ie she has to help me so much because I am utterly incompetent and couldn’t cope otherwise) it doesn’t really matter. She no longer has any power to harm me.
In the present time, I feel absolutely no hate towards anyone at all. It really is as if I have left it all behind at ‘St Brutus” Well so I hope, anyway. The last time I felt anything like this was back in June 2000 just before the exams. Nothing bothered or upset me at all. I was totally cool, calm and collected. Sounds crazy – not only did I get the best marks ever in any subject (an 88 and 93) but even enjoyed doing the exams. It was like a game.
Certain things have to do with the books. I will know by Wednesday. They have all been called back except the first one. ‘Goblet’ must go back by Thursday and ‘Azkaban’ 14 Jan instead of 29 Jan which it was originally.
I will truly know while I intend – the day before its recall Wednesday 9. to bring it to the beach with me and once again read that awful chapter and see if I get any more nightmares or not.
Of course, I’ve been using the time until then to practise the ‘Patronus ‘ Charm. It is so amazing. In ‘Azkaban’ she has given us so many techniques for coping with life’s little and not so little problems.. She’s been there. That’s obvious. She KNOWS.
The business with the chocolate – and especially believing and concentrating on happy things as hard as possible – and not even mentioning the tricks for dealing with the creatures in the cupboard….. I can’t begin to describe….
I used to use my own version of the Patronus charm by playing ‘Dead can Dance ‘ cd’s in my head. Without that miserable Brendan Parry of course. But then it didn’t seem to work any more. Then I asked myself the hypothetical question “If you had a patronus, what would it be?”
Today the answer suddenly came to me. Heil Hilde of course. (another ex boss)
I already have one. A song that I kept hearing during the whole year at Heil Hilde’s hell hole (The original Salazar’s Sanatorium for Superannuated Sorcerers) The staff had even bought the record for me as a birthday present. The song ‘Troy’ from “The Lion and the Cobra” The one with the Phoenix.. A song of unadulterated rage, resistance and should I say REVENGE! And Sinead O’Connor has such a blood curdling spine tingling voice – worthy of a Banshee.
“I will rise. I will return. Like a phoenix from the flames until….”
And there is another creature that seems inextricably linked in mythology with this eternal bird. And the Potter books are no exception. (Even the wand of the Great Snake himself shares a common core with this feathered being)
And most strange indeed – doodles in my secret diary from these darkest Durmiest days, and the creatures that adorned the Easter eggs that I used to paint at this time mainly took the form of serpents and birds. (And this all took place more than 11 years ago before the Potter boy even existed in the amazing imagination of the Great White Witch)
I thought – I must follow this further. I have a feeling that there could be a lot of power and potential in this idea.
And something else – many nameless, formless, confused thoughts – a veritable whirlwind – like my head is about to explode…. in the last week have suddenly become clear to me – and once again I am the ‘Impartial Martian’ who can see everything clearly and objectively from the distance……and it seems most of it is coming from something pushing buttons that I didn’t even know I had……invoking countless demons, ghosts and monsters…… and all of it is confusion. Things fall apart…..
But this week I have seen – for the first time – like in Dumbledore’s pensieve….the big picture …. The source of all this confusion and chaos. And to name it, has been to contain it. It has lost its power……
(Well – the identities of these once nameless creatures will have to wait till next instalment… to grace the stage …. This is already too weird and way way too long…… but there are a few more lines from 7 Jan 2002 for today)
……………..
………………….
Oh – and now I have a new name – for Secret Diary Land, the Mirror of Erised (The Internet) and of course Hogwarts On-Line! Yes. There really is such a place!
And there I will be known as Izmeina Ved’kara Rienzi
(Oh and the bits in brackets are Izzies editorial additions to guide lost and happless travellers through the strange maze of Izzie's demented ramblings)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday 7. January 2002
Whether or not it really is a new beginning, we will see. An incredible week it has been. So very different than 2001.
I’m either in an high phase of manic depression or I really have been awakened by the green light. I won’t know which until the Dementors raise their ugly heads again..
Even Saturday I was in a good mood. Usually I’m cranky and irritable due to having to watch the clock till it’s time to go to work at 3pm.
Today we had the weather we should have had for New Year’s Eve. But it didn’t even bother me. It was very like July 1987 in Corrymeela and also September 1987 when for a short period of time I felt I had finally ‘found God’. I had a strength that I’d never had before and when this God phase eventually came to an end and I returned to my usual state of being an Infidel, this strength also disappeared and like the faith that went with it, had only ever returned for the briefest of moments and never powerful enough to help me get through difficult times.
But now I have found a new way to talk about such things and have the feeling that even if Marilyn (my immediate boss) has some scheme up her sleeve – she’s been ever so helpful lately – I have decided to interpret it instead as a genuine attempt to be nice. She has her operation on Monday. Maybe she too has changed. But even if there is malicious motives behind her sudden nicess (ie she has to help me so much because I am utterly incompetent and couldn’t cope otherwise) it doesn’t really matter. She no longer has any power to harm me.
In the present time, I feel absolutely no hate towards anyone at all. It really is as if I have left it all behind at ‘St Brutus” Well so I hope, anyway. The last time I felt anything like this was back in June 2000 just before the exams. Nothing bothered or upset me at all. I was totally cool, calm and collected. Sounds crazy – not only did I get the best marks ever in any subject (an 88 and 93) but even enjoyed doing the exams. It was like a game.
Certain things have to do with the books. I will know by Wednesday. They have all been called back except the first one. ‘Goblet’ must go back by Thursday and ‘Azkaban’ 14 Jan instead of 29 Jan which it was originally.
I will truly know while I intend – the day before its recall Wednesday 9. to bring it to the beach with me and once again read that awful chapter and see if I get any more nightmares or not.
Of course, I’ve been using the time until then to practise the ‘Patronus ‘ Charm. It is so amazing. In ‘Azkaban’ she has given us so many techniques for coping with life’s little and not so little problems.. She’s been there. That’s obvious. She KNOWS.
The business with the chocolate – and especially believing and concentrating on happy things as hard as possible – and not even mentioning the tricks for dealing with the creatures in the cupboard….. I can’t begin to describe….
I used to use my own version of the Patronus charm by playing ‘Dead can Dance ‘ cd’s in my head. Without that miserable Brendan Parry of course. But then it didn’t seem to work any more. Then I asked myself the hypothetical question “If you had a patronus, what would it be?”
Today the answer suddenly came to me. Heil Hilde of course. (another ex boss)
I already have one. A song that I kept hearing during the whole year at Heil Hilde’s hell hole (The original Salazar’s Sanatorium for Superannuated Sorcerers) The staff had even bought the record for me as a birthday present. The song ‘Troy’ from “The Lion and the Cobra” The one with the Phoenix.. A song of unadulterated rage, resistance and should I say REVENGE! And Sinead O’Connor has such a blood curdling spine tingling voice – worthy of a Banshee.
“I will rise. I will return. Like a phoenix from the flames until….”
And there is another creature that seems inextricably linked in mythology with this eternal bird. And the Potter books are no exception. (Even the wand of the Great Snake himself shares a common core with this feathered being)
And most strange indeed – doodles in my secret diary from these darkest Durmiest days, and the creatures that adorned the Easter eggs that I used to paint at this time mainly took the form of serpents and birds. (And this all took place more than 11 years ago before the Potter boy even existed in the amazing imagination of the Great White Witch)
I thought – I must follow this further. I have a feeling that there could be a lot of power and potential in this idea.
And something else – many nameless, formless, confused thoughts – a veritable whirlwind – like my head is about to explode…. in the last week have suddenly become clear to me – and once again I am the ‘Impartial Martian’ who can see everything clearly and objectively from the distance……and it seems most of it is coming from something pushing buttons that I didn’t even know I had……invoking countless demons, ghosts and monsters…… and all of it is confusion. Things fall apart…..
But this week I have seen – for the first time – like in Dumbledore’s pensieve….the big picture …. The source of all this confusion and chaos. And to name it, has been to contain it. It has lost its power……
(Well – the identities of these once nameless creatures will have to wait till next instalment… to grace the stage …. This is already too weird and way way too long…… but there are a few more lines from 7 Jan 2002 for today)
……………..
………………….
Oh – and now I have a new name – for Secret Diary Land, the Mirror of Erised (The Internet) and of course Hogwarts On-Line! Yes. There really is such a place!
And there I will be known as Izmeina Ved’kara Rienzi
