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izmeinaDeath to all dissenters
March 12, 2003
EIGHTEEN months after the destruction of the twin towers, another New York landmark is in ruins. The UN building no longer stands on the East River. The stench of death rises from its rubble. The flags of the UN's member nations no longer flutter proudly on their poles. They've been burnt to cinders.
A triumphant George W. Bush has just appeared at the press conference in Washington. "My fellow Americans, we have won another major battle in the war against terror. A few hours ago, as Commander-in-Chief, I ordered a bombardment of the UN building by the US Navy, missile strikes by the US Air Force and a mop-up operation by US Marines. As a result, one of this nation's most dangerous enemies has been absolutely and entirely destroyed.
"As you know, we tried very hard to achieve a diplomatic outcome with the UN. We permitted word inspectors inside the building to negotiate on adjectives, verbs and split infinitives for a revised UN resolution, but were treated with intransigence and delay. Just as the Iraqis mocked us for the past 12 years, refusing to demonstrate compliance, the UN has flouted our will for the past 12 weeks. We did not wish to go to war against the UN but, finally, had no choice.
"As Colin Powell will explain later, we had undeniable evidence that the UN was sheltering states with known terrorist connections. And some of these states had weapons of mass destruction. To allow the UN to continue to exist – under its existing leadership – was to place our nation at growing risk.
"With the enthusiastic endorsement of Tim Blair and Jim Howard, our most loyal allies, and using modern weapons of such incredible accuracy that they can be targeted at people of different blood groupings or astrological signs, we were able to eliminate all those who've opposed us, all those who've refused to endorse the war on Iraq which, as you know, begins Friday.
"Yes, one of our cruise missiles did go astray and, sadly, destroyed the Statue of Liberty. But you may recall that this was a gift from the French who, in recent times, have been unswerving allies of Saddam Hussein.
"We've destroyed the UN without the loss of one American life – apart from some of the catering staff and a couple of receptionists. The pro-Hussein Huns – we should have finished them off in World War II – are kaput. The Russians – we should have nuked them in the 1950s – can no longer threaten us with their 'nyet'.
"And all those decadent, gutless old Europeans that Dick Rumsfeld has identified are now wishing they'd backed us when they had the chance. But don't say I didn't warn them! You're either with us or you're against us.
"We're forming a new Security Council, comprising those US states run by Republican governors – states such as my own beloved Texas and Brother Jeb's Florida. But to demonstrate our commitment to globalism, the newly formed council will also have room for a couple of foreign nations. Let's have a big round of applause for the UK and Australia, for my good friends Tommy and Jack. And they'll be joined by Ariel Sharon.
"Yes, we've achieved regime change at the UN. Koffee Onan was taken into custody and is being tortured at Guantanamo Bay as we speak. After he makes a full confession at a military tribunal, he will be summarily executed. Onan, a real wanker, has been one of al-Qa'ida's top operatives, a personal lieutenant to Osama bin Laden.
"We've also arrested His Holiness the Pope, as it's clear from his unhelpful comments that the Vatican also urgently needs regime change. The new Pope will be a Protestant, the pastor to every US president since Nixon. Let's have a big round of applause for Billy Graham.
"The war on Iraq will be over by midday Saturday. The Seventh Fleet will immediately head to France, anchor in the Seine and wipe out Paris. We'll nuke North Korea on Sunday, level Iran on Monday and make Saudi Arabia a part of Texas by Wednesday at the latest.
"I will not take questions at this time. Indeed, I will not be questioned at all. By anyone. At any time. God bless America."
Phillip Adams 12 March 2002
March 12, 2003
EIGHTEEN months after the destruction of the twin towers, another New York landmark is in ruins. The UN building no longer stands on the East River. The stench of death rises from its rubble. The flags of the UN's member nations no longer flutter proudly on their poles. They've been burnt to cinders.
A triumphant George W. Bush has just appeared at the press conference in Washington. "My fellow Americans, we have won another major battle in the war against terror. A few hours ago, as Commander-in-Chief, I ordered a bombardment of the UN building by the US Navy, missile strikes by the US Air Force and a mop-up operation by US Marines. As a result, one of this nation's most dangerous enemies has been absolutely and entirely destroyed.
"As you know, we tried very hard to achieve a diplomatic outcome with the UN. We permitted word inspectors inside the building to negotiate on adjectives, verbs and split infinitives for a revised UN resolution, but were treated with intransigence and delay. Just as the Iraqis mocked us for the past 12 years, refusing to demonstrate compliance, the UN has flouted our will for the past 12 weeks. We did not wish to go to war against the UN but, finally, had no choice.
"As Colin Powell will explain later, we had undeniable evidence that the UN was sheltering states with known terrorist connections. And some of these states had weapons of mass destruction. To allow the UN to continue to exist – under its existing leadership – was to place our nation at growing risk.
"With the enthusiastic endorsement of Tim Blair and Jim Howard, our most loyal allies, and using modern weapons of such incredible accuracy that they can be targeted at people of different blood groupings or astrological signs, we were able to eliminate all those who've opposed us, all those who've refused to endorse the war on Iraq which, as you know, begins Friday.
"Yes, one of our cruise missiles did go astray and, sadly, destroyed the Statue of Liberty. But you may recall that this was a gift from the French who, in recent times, have been unswerving allies of Saddam Hussein.
"We've destroyed the UN without the loss of one American life – apart from some of the catering staff and a couple of receptionists. The pro-Hussein Huns – we should have finished them off in World War II – are kaput. The Russians – we should have nuked them in the 1950s – can no longer threaten us with their 'nyet'.
"And all those decadent, gutless old Europeans that Dick Rumsfeld has identified are now wishing they'd backed us when they had the chance. But don't say I didn't warn them! You're either with us or you're against us.
"We're forming a new Security Council, comprising those US states run by Republican governors – states such as my own beloved Texas and Brother Jeb's Florida. But to demonstrate our commitment to globalism, the newly formed council will also have room for a couple of foreign nations. Let's have a big round of applause for the UK and Australia, for my good friends Tommy and Jack. And they'll be joined by Ariel Sharon.
"Yes, we've achieved regime change at the UN. Koffee Onan was taken into custody and is being tortured at Guantanamo Bay as we speak. After he makes a full confession at a military tribunal, he will be summarily executed. Onan, a real wanker, has been one of al-Qa'ida's top operatives, a personal lieutenant to Osama bin Laden.
"We've also arrested His Holiness the Pope, as it's clear from his unhelpful comments that the Vatican also urgently needs regime change. The new Pope will be a Protestant, the pastor to every US president since Nixon. Let's have a big round of applause for Billy Graham.
"The war on Iraq will be over by midday Saturday. The Seventh Fleet will immediately head to France, anchor in the Seine and wipe out Paris. We'll nuke North Korea on Sunday, level Iran on Monday and make Saudi Arabia a part of Texas by Wednesday at the latest.
"I will not take questions at this time. Indeed, I will not be questioned at all. By anyone. At any time. God bless America."
Phillip Adams 12 March 2002
