Dirty stains cleaned dirt cheap
04/02/2006 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
izmeinaHow to stay spotless amid immoveable stains
Izzie's snoops and spies are always giving us tip offs to tasty stories and interesting snippets of snarkery. In case the Sydney Morning Herald tries the usual 'subscription only' trick with the link - posted the full text behind the cut.
How to stay spotless amid immoveable stains
By Richard Glover
February 4, 2006
THE stain-removal book Spotless is at the top of the bestseller lists - listing common household stains and giving step-by-step instructions on how to remove them. What a shame it ignores all the stains in our public spaces.
Problem: The stain left by AWB's dirty deals in Iraq over wheat.
What to use: Bafflement; denial.
How to apply: You must attempt to stop the stain spreading upwards. The malodorous substance must be kept in one area, preferably the one within which the calamity first occurred, that is AWB itself.
Those within AWB need to damp the whole thing down by using thick baffles of woolly language. They should also claim that they were unaware of the stain until very recently, and that it was caused by someone whose name they no longer remember.
Those outside AWB should look the other way, and whistle, rather like a 10-year-old who has just trodden dog-poo through the lounge room.
Most crucially, don't fiddle with the stain: too much poking and prodding will inevitably cause it to rise to the surface. In fact, with a lot of prodding and poking the stain may well rise to the very top. You'll then find it impossible to remove, at least until the next election.
Problem: The pong surrounding the Cross City Tunnel.
What to use: A parliamentary committee headed by Fred Nile; lack of gumption; a good measure of denial.
How to apply: The aim here is to keep the pong buried, much like the tunnel itself. Try to find someone with limited experience of spadework, and then ask him to dig for the pong - Nile would be a good start. You should then refuse to give him a shovel, pick or any assistance.
If someone asks "Where's that terrible pong coming from?", you should answer, "What pong?" If forced to admit the pong exists, be sure to blame it on the previous tenant of your ministerial office. Also deny you have any forwarding address for this person, saying he has moved on to some other ministry, but you can't be sure which one. If pressed, feel free to use the phrase: "Carl who?"
Problem: Stained national character due to racial riots and revenge attacks.
What to use: Isolation of staining elements; agitation; splash of alcohol.
How to apply: Separate the whites and the coloureds, then agitate both groups thoroughly. The staining elements should then rise to the top, forming a sort of scum. Scoop this scum off, and store temporarily in Long Bay, returning all colour-fast objects to the communal tub.
Next use a splash of alcohol to try to dilute any permanent staining on the whites, claiming all the trouble only occurred because they were drunk. If that doesn't work, by all means round up a few more of the coloureds and hang them out to dry.
Problem: Collapse in corporate standards, immorality in public office, new Dickensian labour laws.
What to use: Move furniture.
How to apply: Distract attention from the large and badly stained area by launching an attack on modern manners and etiquette, in particular the use of bad language on reality TV shows. Quietly cover up the huge spreading corporate and government stain, and rearrange the furniture so that it all ends up facing away from the problem area.
With luck, everyone will end up staring at the tiny and less significant stain at the edge of the carpet, and will no longer notice the large elephant which is defecating constantly in the middle of the room.
Problem: Large mess in the Middle East; uncertainty about why we're still there trying to mop it up.
What to use: Shredded documents; parliamentary speeches.
How to apply: You'll need some highly absorbent, spongy material which is full of gaps and holes. The intelligence reports about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction should be perfect. Cover the whole offending area with this material, and then subject to a constant stream of hot air. George Bush's latest State of the Union address would do fine. Marvel as the mess starts to spread. Redirect hot air onto neighbouring areas such as Iran and Palestine. Grimace as mess becomes worse. Scrub hard at Hamas, but discover the more you scrub the more it seems to come to the surface. Repeat all steps in the hope people get used to the stain, and stop noticing quite how large it has become. Attempt, after a few more years, to wash your hands of the whole affair.
As for all other problems, we concur with the authors of Spotless: use bicarb and vinegar.
Izzie's snoops and spies are always giving us tip offs to tasty stories and interesting snippets of snarkery. In case the Sydney Morning Herald tries the usual 'subscription only' trick with the link - posted the full text behind the cut.
How to stay spotless amid immoveable stains
By Richard Glover
February 4, 2006
THE stain-removal book Spotless is at the top of the bestseller lists - listing common household stains and giving step-by-step instructions on how to remove them. What a shame it ignores all the stains in our public spaces.
Problem: The stain left by AWB's dirty deals in Iraq over wheat.
What to use: Bafflement; denial.
How to apply: You must attempt to stop the stain spreading upwards. The malodorous substance must be kept in one area, preferably the one within which the calamity first occurred, that is AWB itself.
Those within AWB need to damp the whole thing down by using thick baffles of woolly language. They should also claim that they were unaware of the stain until very recently, and that it was caused by someone whose name they no longer remember.
Those outside AWB should look the other way, and whistle, rather like a 10-year-old who has just trodden dog-poo through the lounge room.
Most crucially, don't fiddle with the stain: too much poking and prodding will inevitably cause it to rise to the surface. In fact, with a lot of prodding and poking the stain may well rise to the very top. You'll then find it impossible to remove, at least until the next election.
Problem: The pong surrounding the Cross City Tunnel.
What to use: A parliamentary committee headed by Fred Nile; lack of gumption; a good measure of denial.
How to apply: The aim here is to keep the pong buried, much like the tunnel itself. Try to find someone with limited experience of spadework, and then ask him to dig for the pong - Nile would be a good start. You should then refuse to give him a shovel, pick or any assistance.
If someone asks "Where's that terrible pong coming from?", you should answer, "What pong?" If forced to admit the pong exists, be sure to blame it on the previous tenant of your ministerial office. Also deny you have any forwarding address for this person, saying he has moved on to some other ministry, but you can't be sure which one. If pressed, feel free to use the phrase: "Carl who?"
Problem: Stained national character due to racial riots and revenge attacks.
What to use: Isolation of staining elements; agitation; splash of alcohol.
How to apply: Separate the whites and the coloureds, then agitate both groups thoroughly. The staining elements should then rise to the top, forming a sort of scum. Scoop this scum off, and store temporarily in Long Bay, returning all colour-fast objects to the communal tub.
Next use a splash of alcohol to try to dilute any permanent staining on the whites, claiming all the trouble only occurred because they were drunk. If that doesn't work, by all means round up a few more of the coloureds and hang them out to dry.
Problem: Collapse in corporate standards, immorality in public office, new Dickensian labour laws.
What to use: Move furniture.
How to apply: Distract attention from the large and badly stained area by launching an attack on modern manners and etiquette, in particular the use of bad language on reality TV shows. Quietly cover up the huge spreading corporate and government stain, and rearrange the furniture so that it all ends up facing away from the problem area.
With luck, everyone will end up staring at the tiny and less significant stain at the edge of the carpet, and will no longer notice the large elephant which is defecating constantly in the middle of the room.
Problem: Large mess in the Middle East; uncertainty about why we're still there trying to mop it up.
What to use: Shredded documents; parliamentary speeches.
How to apply: You'll need some highly absorbent, spongy material which is full of gaps and holes. The intelligence reports about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction should be perfect. Cover the whole offending area with this material, and then subject to a constant stream of hot air. George Bush's latest State of the Union address would do fine. Marvel as the mess starts to spread. Redirect hot air onto neighbouring areas such as Iran and Palestine. Grimace as mess becomes worse. Scrub hard at Hamas, but discover the more you scrub the more it seems to come to the surface. Repeat all steps in the hope people get used to the stain, and stop noticing quite how large it has become. Attempt, after a few more years, to wash your hands of the whole affair.
As for all other problems, we concur with the authors of Spotless: use bicarb and vinegar.
